


Through Guilt, Anger and Blame

by ddami



Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)
Genre: Oneshot, idk how 2 tag lol, tWiSt EnDiNg but u probably expected it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:20:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23300788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddami/pseuds/ddami
Summary: Handong doesn't want Yubin to blame herself for what happened.
Relationships: Han Dong | Handong/Lee Yoobin | Dami
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	Through Guilt, Anger and Blame

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first thing i'm publishing here so idk if its any good or if i'm even doing this right lmfao

“You can’t blame yourself forever, Yubin.”

The girl in question sat stiffly with her face hidden by the hair that fell covering it. She didn’t answer the person sitting opposite her. Yubin was tired. 

She would always blame herself. That wouldn’t change. There was nothing Handong could say that would change Yubin’s mind about what happened.

A small chuckle was heard from Yubin as she raised her head to speak. Her eyes were puffy and there were a few tears rolling down her cheek. “It isn’t like you to cry.” remarked Handong, her tone very matter-of-fact with a hint of concern. Another chuckle. Yubin only shook her head, not wanting to respond. She ran her hand through her hair and wiped the few tears with her thumb. Her eyes became fixed on the moist skin on her thumb and how it slowly began to dry. If only her pain would act the same.

Whilst a person is crying, the tears flow down their cheek either to fall somewhere else or be wiped away by a hand or a tissue. There is - of course - a link between crying and pain. It was just a shame that pain did not pass the same way that a tear can be wiped. Despite the agony Yubin felt, she knew she would always have to carry the burden.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

Oh, but it was. 

Everything about that day replayed in mind every second, everyday. It had been a month since it happened and it still hurt as much as it did when it initially happened. The image scarred Yubin. Every single night for the past month, her sleep had been haunted by... that memory which led to countless sleepless nights. During the day, she would see it for no reason. The guilt and regret that overtook her mindset were nowhere near manageable. The thought of it, the memory of it… It triggered something within Yubin. It made her want to get violent. She wanted to break something. It made her angry… but then she’d calm herself. She would realise how ridiculous she was acting. When she came back to her senses, she was dizzy with overwhelming emotions. Yubin just wanted to sleep peacefully.

A week after it had happened, Bora had brought it up and she made a mistake with her wording. Yubin knew that her friend would never mean anything harshly but that doesn’t mean her words didn’t pierce straight through Yubin’s heart. “You can make sure you’re there next time.” Next time. Next time, Bora? Why would there be a next time? That comment was directed at Yubin. It was like everyone knew it was her fault. It only made her blame herself more. Yubin wasn’t there. She had failed. She had let it happen. In that moment in time, as soon as those words had left Bora’s mouth, something in Yubin snapped. She lost it. It was almost like she became a different person. Her anger engulfed her and she couldn’t help but feel the need to attack Bora. She was so mad, so lost, so distraught. Without any control over her body, Yubin felt herself lean forward and before she knew it, she had thrown Bora against a wall. Her eyes welled up with tears as she began screaming at the shorter girl. “How DARE you say that? I wanted to be there, Bora.” Yubin cried out but it was like it wasn’t even her own words. She knew Bora meant no harm but there was a part of her that was simply so full of rage at that point. She shook Bora’s shoulders to rough her up against the wall again. “I would’ve done ANYTHING I could’ve done if I was there.” Yubin stopped, seeing the terror in her friend’s expression. Her eyebrows furrowed as she dropped to her knees. Shaking, Yubin began to cry for the nth time that week. Siyeon took Bora under her arm, holding her. Apologising under her breath, Yubin was embraced by Yoohyeon who looked nothing but worried. This behaviour was nothing like Yubin…

But she was feeling so many things at once.

She didn’t know what to do with all of her emotions.

Yubin was exhausted from feeling so much, of waking up in the middle of the night after the night terrors, of everything that was happening to her. She needed to sleep, as much fear as that caused her, she needed to. It was already 3am and sitting in the front room staring at the wall wasn’t going to do her any good. Who knows? Maybe tonight would be the night Yubin wouldn’t see that image anymore.

“You should get some rest… Tomorrow will be a better day.” Handong spoke so surely it was like a promise. For the first time in a while, the younger smiled. It was filled with pain but it was nice to smile nevertheless. Maybe she would end up feeling better tomorrow. Just a little better. The girl had already come to the conclusion that it would never stop hurting. However, nothing is permanent. Yubin could hold on, it would get easier. That’s what everyone was telling her. She could think logically. It’ll become bearable. For now, it was still early days into what happened. It would take time for her to heal.

Yubin thanked Handong and stood up, warranting the other girl to stand up. Very much out of character for Yubin, she asked for an embrace, Handong agreeing immediately. As Yubin wrapped her arms around her friend, Handong whispered: “You need to let go.” When Yubin didn’t feel the warmth of a regular hug, her world crumbled all over again. Her hands made their way to her face, shaking, in an attempt to mask the breakdown that had ensured. Yubin was a fool to offer a hug. Of course there wouldn’t be anyone to hug. 

Handong was right.. Yubin needed to let go.

Handong wasn’t there.

Handong was dead.

And Yubin was to blame.


End file.
